The Anniversary of Pain

It hurts when he talks about his ex. I know he was hurt a lot. I know. But…why does it hurt? Well, for a couple reasons. I see Josh in him, being hurt by an ex. I know what I did to Josh wasn’t right. But why did he leave? He didn’t have to. He could have said good-bye, at least. Or said why he was leaving. Although I’m 99% sure I know the answer to that. I just…I think he was really hurt by that. He rarely spoke to me after that. He only stuck around a week or so after the break-up. Not like he spoke much anyway. But if just FELT different. I don’t know. But I pray that Josh wasn’t as hurt about it as Sano is hurting about his ex.

It hurts when he talks about her. I feel like I should do something, but I can hardly do anything. All I can do is listen. Listen and hurt with him. When he talks about her, I don’t know, it just…hurts. It’s not jealousy. It’s because she has a place in his heart that I can never fill. I know that. I know that with  my boys. Sano can never fill the place of pain and hurting in my heart that’s reserved for Justin. He could never feel the space in my heart just for Josh, where guilt and uneasiness live. It’s like that with him. Sano has a place in his heart just for his ex that I’ll never be able to fill. It may heal with time. Perhaps. But she’ll always be in his mind. Perhaps more than I am on his mind. Because, those that hurt us have a larger place in our heart and mind than the people that love us. I was introduced to this theory in Skip Beat, and now that I’ve experienced it, I believe it’s true. Our past will always haunt us. We need to accept that. Even if we move on, there will be times where we reflect on that pain. We’ll cry. We’ll be sad. We’ll even forget about where we are currently at life, even if it’s perfect, for just a moment. We’ll travel to the past and then recollect our worst moments, the time where you gave your heart to someone, trusting you completely, and then they take your heart and destroy it. Then they leave you with the pieces. Then someone else comes along and helps you sew your heart back together. And you have fun with that person. Love that person. But, the scars remain. Your heart will never be fully, completely healed. And sometimes, you think about those scars. And you cry. And the other person that loves you can’t do anything. They cannot heal you fully. They cannot comfort you, because that will just make it worse. They can only watch as you face your worst enemy again: your own heart.

Ah, the heart. Our best friend; our worst enemy. The reason we smile. The reason we cry. We want to rip it out of our chests at times. We want to hold onto our hearts at time. What hurts more than being hurt, at least for me, is seeing someone else, especially someone we love, in pain. And it feels like being stabbed when you can’t help them.